My cousin and his darling wife are about to have their first baby. I’m thrilled for them as I know they will be wonderful, loving parents.
So, as we do, I pulled up their registry to buy a gift. While scanning for a gift, the “You May Also Like” section of the website caught my eye. There, in full color, was my old friend, the “What to Expect When You are Expecting” book, the so-called bible for all first-time parents. I snorted. [No, really, I actually snorted].
Don’t get me wrong: I had those books. I desperately grabbed those books when my oldest was an infant and I couldn’t explain why he was eating 12 oz when he was just two weeks old. I frantically scoured those books when he got a rash on his tiny little chest or when he didn’t seem to be hearing well at six months. But, like many others, I believed that this book was the map for my childraising experience, which inevitably caused stress when he wasn’t doing X along the expected timeline or when the suggested treatment or response to XYZ behavior wasn’t working.
Looking back, I was naïve and misguided. Though they may touch on real medical events that often cause first-time parents to call the pediatrician on a weekly (or sometimes, daily) basis, the parenting books don’t often smack you and tell you the following simple truths in large bold print: Your child won’t be perfect. You won’t be perfect. Your experience won’t always be idyllic. It’s going to be okay.
I understand. Maybe they don’t feel they have to because, rationally, who would believe that parenting would be perfect? Or, maybe they don’t want to crush the dream.
Why provide the warning that you may look back at the professional portraits of your six-month-old that you sent to ALL of your friends and relatives and realize (much later) that the pictures weren’t cute at all? Is a disclaimer necessary, the editor may ask, to tell the reader that that their perpetual lack of sleep may cause them to (sadly) abandon even decent hygiene completely (but cut your water bills in half) and make poor choices (like a new haircut or the aforementioned baby pictures)? The books fail to provide the coping mechanisms or scripting for the day when, without your knowledge, your baby may vomit down your back before work, giving you what looks like the world’s biggest bird shit on your suit jacket or worse yet, when it is your child screaming on a packed five-hour-flight and you feel like jumping out the emergency exit 12 minutes in.
Sure, the books about toddlers tell you about existence and normalcy of temper tantrums, but do they adequately convey the feelings you are having the moment your child’s temper tantrum causes you to leave your completely full grocery cart in the aisle and walk out without the wine and chocolate-peanut butter ice cream that keep you sane? No.
Understandably, the books also don’t provide information about the Safe Haven Laws for when, in a brief moment of despair, irritation or aggravation the desire to take advantage of the law and drop your aforementioned “perfect little angel” off at the local fire station and run like hell may cross your mind.
The books don’t provide an adequate description of the moment when a game of “See You Later, Alligator” goes horribly wrong and your creative, imaginative child says to your overweight neighbor: “See You Later, You Big Fat Hippo”. There is no real training for when you recognize that your child is a booger eater, a penis pincher (best case scenario: his own), a drama queen, a cleptomaniac, or a teller of tall tales. They can’t adequately prepare you for the call from the school when your four-year-old child, along with three others — two four-year-old thieves and a lookout, nearly pulled off the Great Jewel Heist of 2008 in the school’s craft room.
No picture is painted for the moment when your son takes off his goalee gloves to really dig in his nose properly during his soccer game. Or, how about the moment when it occurs to you that you haven’t washed underwear for your child in weeks and discover that’s because he hasn’t been wearing any? You aren’t forewarned that some quiet conversation you have with your child at home to explain X will end up a loud exclamation in a public place or that an innocent remark about So and So’s father would be inaccurately repeated to him… out of context… in front of you.
The majority of parenting books don’t tell you that some version of the above IS going to happen. It will.
Now, before you start breathing into a brown paper bag, the good news is that these moments are more than balanced with love, joy, emotional victories and days when you laugh until you cry. No cash value can be put on an unexpected “I love you, Mommy/Daddy” or a hug just when you need it or the handmade tokens of love created and given (side note: the books are also missing the chapter on “how to weed through and get rid of years of handmade tokens of love”). And of course, at my house, there are the almost daily contributions to my future stand-up comedy routine that are banked for posterity — from word mixups and jumbled facts to original content based on actual hysterical events.
The emotions attached to these wonderful moments are also not adequately captured in the “must-have” parenting books. And somehow, I find that I cannot describe them here.
Look, I’ve not been given a fancy parenting award (Lord knows I don’t deserve one) nor do I pretend to know all. That said, as I’m eyeball deep in raising my four boys, I can tell you that nothing I read in my books prepared me for all of this, which is probably why my husband and I are shocked and amazed that the boys are alive at the end of each and every day. We may have had a few stitches here and a few staples in the head there, but still have four boys are mostly unharmed from our parenting and their own antics.
So, what can I offer a first-timer that parenting books might not?
Because life is lived between the milestones (e.g. first smile, first tooth, first step, first lost tooth, first eye roll, first silent treatment, first cuss word, etc.) and because your experience is going to be different than mine, I can’t offer you a blueprint. But here are a few general tips:
- Forget perfect. If you don’t believe me now, wait until you throw your own parenting-induced temper tantrum.
- Find friends who are willing to be honest about their parenting missteps and their children’s less-than-perfect moments. The real-life war stories from friends about their own Booger Eaters and Drama Queens will not only entertain you, but remind you that you are not alone on this crazy, rollercoaster adventure.
- Hold on tight to the periods of joy because they will get you through the Safe-Haven-Law moments.
- And, when in doubt, stock your home with whatever supplies are going to get you through… bubble bath, wine, a punching bag, ice cream, a good yoga video, wine, a padded room, ice cream… you get the drift.
Whole Lotta P 